Secret shame is an ugly, corrosive and therefore harmful condition.  It creates both psychological and physical disorders. It not only impairs the ability to pursue and satisfy one's healthy needs. It also thwarts happy interpersonal relationships, as well as your relationship to yourself. In a culture of hierarchical power structures, it damages the self-esteem of individuals in favor of those in power. It is the opposite of dignity, pride, playful joy and vitality. 

This all sounds terrible, and it is, but the solution is beginning to appear in the dawn of the new age in which we are already increasingly engaged. Nevertheless, it is up to each one of us to personally untie our shame knots.  It helps to understand them first. 

Shame and guilt are not biologically predetermined.  They are the result of the experience that our superiors, parents, power-holders, commanders, those, who have power over our well-being, have disapproved of something our personal life force itself draws us toward.  But to disregard this disapproval would mean exclusion and therefore risk of being ostracized by the community, which is a kind of social death sentence because humans are social beings.  You certainly do not want to be left out in the cold! Every infant understands that dependency with its whole body - probably already in the womb.  We take in the commandments of the community in which we are born with our mother's milk. It shapes every level of intelligence - whether physical, imaginative, rational or abstract. Those who have a bad conscience and are therefore not quite capable of behaving freely are easier to dominate. Even though such suppression is not meant maliciously, the effects damage us. The people who love us are rarely free of the culture in which they grew up. But that means that in order to feel alive and also still secure in loving relationships, we need a new culture in which “normal” consists of collaboration, cooperation, respect, dignity, inclusion, and a whole lot of other still somewhat foreign ways of dealing with ourselves and others. My book contributes to this paradigm shift, but more so, it also shows how each of us alone or in our couples’ relationship can evolve into more vibrancy, autonomy, and connectivity. 

Shame begins when you have done something or wanted to do something that has overwhelmed a significant other and you have realized that you are now a potential outcast because of who you are or what you have or might have done. You don't know how to come to terms with this and therein lies the rub. 

However, you are no longer alone in this.  The past decade has gifted us with the internet, therapy, social media, health guides and all manner of now socially acceptable tools, helpers and access to others with the same or similar issues. More and more people are striving for emotional well-being, which is far from your situation when you are struggling with shame or guilt. 

Getting out from under that handicap always starts with your body. The more comfortable you feel with and in your body, the easier it is to find and implement solutions to complex problems.  Simple breathing, stretching or relaxation techniques make you more comfortable, intelligent and loving.  An archetypal solution to the shame problem as pointed out by the ancient I Ching begins with the recognition what specific need you want to fulfill.  Then you realize that the pursuit of it will certainly not be fully approved by the social or family power structures defining your life until now.   At this point, we have two things to explore. I suggest putting the question aside for now, why your “boss”, whoever that she or he might be, can´t cope with your need, whatever that might be.  Because only when you are in touch with yourself can you find a solution with him or her that might be satisfactory for both of you.  After you succeed in connecting with your body, you can explore the need that got you into trouble.  The better you recognize, understand and comprehend it, the better you can explore how to fulfill it with dignity, joy and pride. Don't forget to keep your body intelligence involved in your explorations.  Your body faithfully expresses every fantasy or thought in tension or movement. If you are on good terms with your body, it will guide you on your journey to consistent well-being. 

If you feel that your attempts to fulfill your need could lead to harming someone, your shame is an important step towards regret and thus towards a new round of brainstorming about how to fulfill your needs and be true to yourself and others. In this case, it helps to realize that to err is human and that correcting or taking a new approach fosters creativity and vitality.

If you would like to comment on this blog, I look forward to hearing from you.