Actually, the blog on playfulness has been pending for weeks.  But the problem of bleeding wounds kept interfering. Then I started to read Valarie Kaur's book "SEE NO STRANGER" and understood why this blog about grief should be finished first. My clients are often ashamed of their wounds.  I, too, have experienced this personally. The conventional attitude is that being wounded indicates ineptitude, weakness, stupidity, or many other things that feel less than honorable.  Or it indicates that we have become a victim and are therefore morally slated for inheriting the earth as one of the many “meek”. However, identified victims tend to attract more attacks, so it is actually dangerous to let your wounds be visible.  The long and the short of it all: we tend to hide our emotional wounds, feel ashamed, get helplessly angry, and often feel miserably alone with the pain.  When we try to talk to others about our injuries, we often discover that the other in question does not validate our pain, but tries to deflect or minimize it as quickly as possible. Or they show their loyalty by opposing whoever “caused” the pain. Others don't want to be caught with wounds themselves either, so the depth of empathy is limited.  Being strong, covering up grief with aggression, suffering in silence, dealing with the pain alone, are some of the futile forms of dealing with being wounded that are still the cultural norm today.  Such strategies are as harmful as a festering wound itself, because they function through isolation, the failure of a community support system and by suppressing grief. Unvalidated wounds do not heal. They can even be passed on to future generations. Unhealed wounds prevent humans from flourishing. 

To grieve is to acknowledge the loss of our "well-being" and to honor our vulnerability, which is the foundation of our vitality. Through mourning, we cleanse the wounds left by the loss of our wholeness, our spiritual, mental or physical health.  Ideally, we cleanse the wound with our breath and our tears in a safe space within an imagined or real community. Only then can a wound heal, a new order be formed and wholeness be recreated. As with a physical wound, phases of cleansing, healing and regeneration of the tissue alternate.

The emotion of grief signals that we need to attend to damage.  In order to do that we need to be able to retreat from daily life to a sheltered place.  This safe, healing space, away from everyday activities and other potential attacks, is a necessary condition for grief to fulfill its task of honoring, cleansing, healing, reorganizing or preparing the ground for a new order of wholeness. The other necessary condition for grief to fulfill its purpose is connecting with imagined or real others to create soothing, validating, healing intra- and interpersonal communication. In order for humans to thrive, we need free access to connectedness in healing spaces.  As a community, we all share responsibility for keeping such spaces available for suffering, pain and open wounds.  Getting used to occupying such a space as needed enables not only healing but also growth, development and change. 

It does not matter whether we believe in a world in which dignity and love are the main guiding forces of community.  It is only important that we get used to dealing with ourselves and others in a way that makes dignity and love possible.  A Hawaiian sage once said that all of us have the responsibility to keep the spaces and communal attentiveness available, so that they can be accessed for withdrawal, grief, suffering and difficult, painful decision-making processes as needed.  All of us are connected to one another, especially in the experience of pain, loss and grief. Life is fragile.  Being available and accountable to heal grief, when the necessity arises, nourishes this bond with dignity and love, therefor growing human connectedness into the larger world. 

Sounds and words transport the pain outwards into the healing light of recognition, validation and connectedness. Listening to, receiving and experiencing the pain of others bonds us in a common order of love. Each and everyone of us can be injured at any time.  Being vulnerable is an important quality of the changing and evolving vitality of humanity. 

In our culture grief is traditionally considered to be an unpleasant emotion. It has enjoyed very limited acknowledgement especially in the past decades. In a world in which functioning properly in a hierarchal system means survival, it makes sense that this emotion is repressed as dangerous, even life-threatening.  The truth of the matter is that we do not function properly when we grieve.  If you are actually or potentially under attack, there is neither time or space for processing painful experiences and healing. If your basic needs for food, water, shelter and social interaction are not covered, you have no safe space or time to mourn.  However, many of us have already achieved a healthy level of prosperity. It is no longer necessary to negate, hide and repress the process of grief.  Perhaps we can now grant and claim the space and time necessary for healing. It seems to me to be a time in history when many of us have the material foundation to invest in wholeness and flourishing. Mourning injury is a necessary prerequisite for recovering joy and the ability to forge new paths in life. This means consciously choosing to labor through this unpleasant and uncomfortable emotion. The alternative is to continue to live with –not scars- but open wounds which cripple our joy, our energy and our relationships. 

From a moral perspective, one puzzling aspect of grief is that it can affect us when we change or give up harmful but very familiar habits. It is important to remember that every loss is worthy of mourning!  With our grief, we honor and release aspects of ourselves that have been familiar, have been part of our bond to others and have also been a part of our identity - until it is time to evolve further.  Being alive means going through the labor of love as needed to flourish.  Every time we grieve a loss or a wound we labor in love to clear the space in our soul where that which we have lost has dwelled.  We thereby prepare the way to heal and reintegrate ourselves for a new level of wisdom and joy. 

Anyone who has become aware that some “knee-jerk” habit of theirs has caused or is still causing damage can choose consciously to take on the labor of love needed to make the change to more kindness – in our own life and beyond. However, this is also a decision for the loss of a previous self. Mourning that loss ensures the change and the development of an increasingly authentic and coherent identity. The process is no less painful because of the delightful rewards it brings.

From the perspective of a culture full of power-plays and condemnation, the feelings of loss experienced by a person who gives up some harmful behavior might seem very strange to some. However, giving up the power to hurt others also means renouncing behavior which has helped to forge your confidence and identity. Beyond that, practicing such behavior had also created a sense of belonging to a community within which such behavior is common. From the vindictive victim's position, it is hard to relinquish an impulse to punish a perpetrator rather than to participate in the mourning process with them. I petition for grace.

A common assumption is, that it is easier to labor for love within the couple as lovers or friends because the emotional bond facilitates succor. None-the-less, grieving can threaten the stability of the relationship if one of the participants is a perpetrator, who does not feel accountable or does not question their own behavior and more importantly does not feel safe empathizing. Then it is better to claim support and space outside the partnership. As part of the healing process, it may be sufficient for the injured party to change their susceptibility to specific forms of attack in order to prevent future wounds. But if the mourning is not carried out sufficiently, half-baked attempts at change can easily fail.

Assuming we are mourning a wound caused by someone else, it is important to understand that the fact of the pain is the reality to be attended to. The intent claimed by or projected onto the perpetrator does not help heal the pain. In real everyday life, it is often those with whom we are most connected in love, who have caused our wounds.  This aggravates the injury rather than mitigating it. The subjectivity of pain verifies its reality. Remember, too, that this subjective response to a subjective experienced attack is always also physical.  Every thought, feeling, sensation or perception has a physiological correlate.  An intrusive touch can lead to decades of vaginismus.  A derogatory word can permanently prevent the straightening of the spine.  The loss of a loved one can weaken the heart and cripple the ability to love again. Our awareness of the necessity of attending to pain in a safe haven within a healing community leads us to generate healing and evolution for ourselves and also for future generations. If we choose to ban the pain to the dark recesses of the lonely subconscious, we further a culture that denies joy and promotes functionality beyond that needed for survival. This is understandable because it is common and familiar. Each of us decides for ourselves if we are safer wounded or whole and evolving. 

To face one's own grief is a courageous thing to do.  Fear of change is deep-seated, even if within the hype of the wellness-movement we are becoming more familiar of the fact that confronting change nourishes the brain thereby keeping us physically young and flexible. Mental, psychological or physical wounds testify to the necessity of change. Grief confirms this need and prepares the ground for healing, growth and flourishing. Thus, we purge our souls of what has become obsolete and initiate subsequent confrontation with adventure. Mourning is a substantial form of love.