How do you feel connectedness? How do you know you are connected? Why is connectedness so important? Why is loneliness, the antithesis of connectedness, so common? 

For us humans, connectedness begins in the womb. A new being unfolds from the genetic material of two different beings in connectedness with itself and a nurturing and protective environment.  On the one hand, it is the very practical and material connectedness of the cells of the genetic participants that create a third entity.  On the other hand, the new entity can unfold only in the connectedness with the milieu in which it finds itself. This is the first experience of connectedness that we have and that we carry within us for a lifetime.

Immediately after birth, the child continues to be nurtured and protected by the ensouled environment. In many cases, the surrounding counterpart is not only air and light, but the mother or parents, who resonate with the child in a more or less interactive way, especially with sound/voice and touch. Nourishment means not only food, but also connective exchange.  Just as every seed uses the genetic imprinting on an optimal environment to claim the best possible for itself, we also remain aligned to this knowledge stored within us. In spite of the fact that every human being has the basic experience of connectedness as an entity developed from egg and sperm and by the connectedness between embryo and the environment of the mother's womb, this primal experience can get lost to our awareness because of our socialization. If we do not succeed - for whatever reason - in feeling and claiming this connectedness with the “other”, we feel needy – lonely. 

I was deeply touched by the news that seeds of a type of grain that has long since ceased to exist in our world, having been preserved dried in clay, germinated and flourished thousands of years later - as soon as they received water, light and soil.  In addition, the human brain is a particularly remarkable organ that is constantly trying to optimize itself.  This means that, like the seeds, we can resonate with and claim good environmental conditions when we then have access to them. More than that, we can even create the ideal environmental connectedness ourselves through external design or even our imagination! The brain's ability to do this is an ingenious invention of Mother Nature. In terms of loneliness, or connectedness, this means that we can always tailor self-care habits to what is best for us.

In the first phase of development until about the second year of life, we are actually dependent on the real material, psychological and emotional care our environment gives us. This attachment is a kind of extension of the womb without which -or a correlate- we die. However, we are not passively dependent, but familiarize ourselves with the environment and fluidly respond to and with it.  We collect and store interactive experiences that we can use in the future. Biologically/psychologically, it is mainly the sensory-motor intelligence that unfolds in this phase, which remains with us throughout our lives. If we survive the first phase of development, we can proactively improve the living environment we are connected to by internalizing these experiences with our imagination in a second phase of development. 

In this second developmental phase, the internalized knowledge that sensory-motor intelligence provides us with is playfully placed in a wide variety of contexts. We can differentiate between inside and outside, but can become increasingly self-reliant because of the external experience we internalize.  We succeed in this to varying degrees for innumerable reasons.  However, this basic ability of the brain stays active throughout life as long as mechanical brain damage does not compromise it. Within the framework of this newly unfolding imaginative intelligence, we can sensually experience not only what we have absorbed from the outside, but also create experiences that correspond to our deep genetic wisdom about how to flourish.  The sensual experience of an event, whether in dream, in fantasy, or through conscious imagination, imprints itself on us just as if we had experienced it externally. Through the unfolding of this form of intelligence, the experience of "I" connected with a "You" arises for the first time. The "you" corresponds not only to people, but to all those with whom I am connected on "eye level" as two equal and different beings. If, however, I am firmly anchored in social-cultural power hierarchies that determine the exploitability of the other person, the experience of connectedness succeeds only inadequately and creates serious conflicts between the biological program and the cultural sense of belonging. The deeper I can sensually experience and feel the "you", the more I feel connected.  Yet in the effort to bring about harmony, the brain may suppress this sensual intelligence to ensure the survival benefits of belonging to our community. For the lovers, all this has remarkable consequences.

When we meet in fluid exchanges of equal and different, connectedness unfolds, protecting us from loneliness. If we are not aware of how we secure connectedness, it is possible that we make ourselves dependent on luck or how our partner treats us. However, true existential dependence takes place only in the formative stages of the individual. If we believe that we are dependent, however, we omit the living interaction and co-creation of the "other" that we can experience as our nurturing, healing and protective environment or as a human being. Thus, we feel lonely rather than connected. A culture that draws appreciation from utility, however, does not recognize the living essence of the thereby judged other and cannot truly connect -in the sense of this primal experience and primal need of human beings. From the time when logical thinking begins to dominate in the child, the danger of loneliness grows. Fellowship, community or a sense of belonging ensures a survival advantage in a hostile environment. However, they have nothing in common with connectedness. Shared activities or swarming behavior are forms that appear in true connectedness.  Therefore, lonely people aspire to such forms as a substitute, even if they are not filled with connectedness. Among people, the following types of communication characterize connectedness: mutual recognition, enjoyment of the other, sharing time and activities, doing good to one another - as a gift or in helpfulness - and verbal, as well as sensual, affection.  Those who feel well connected with themselves are able to connect with other people.  Therefore, self-connectedness is a core quality of life and a prerequisite for good connectedness with your loved one. In other words, the communication that promotes fluid connectedness can be actively practiced from the development of imaginative intelligence, within the individual, and is the basis for interpersonal connectedness. 

Seen in this way, radical self-care is a kind of two-way communication with a beloved being. The dialogue between the inner child and the mindful adult, the interactivity between heart and ratio, or between bodily sensations and behavioral impulses are all forms of internal connectedness that increase the connectedness between you and others because you are then accustomed to communicating collaboratively. Although connectedness with nature and animals is good for you, it is not enough to ensure trust and happy interactions with people. Traumatic experiences with people sometimes stick firmly in the body and need a special form of healing attention to release in order to allow healthy, natural, flowing communication to become free. Often, we just need to understand that and how connectedness works to mindfully shift from competition and power plays to connectedness. Sometimes it is helpful to engage a healer for trauma resolution! Examine what's at hand for you right now. Then draw strength from being secure, centered and grounded enough to enjoy the risk of exploring and establishing new habits.