Acting as if your false claims about another person are reality is actually abuse and a form of bullying.

In Alfred Hitchcock's movie "Gaslight," the lighting in the house would flicker when the perpetrator turned the lights on in the attic to do something to harm his victim, who noticed the change in the lights in the living room. By claiming that her perceptions were not reliable, he gradually got her to doubt them and go insane, so that he could exploit her undisturbed. 

Today the word “gaslighting” is used when a person denies the reality of their counterpart in such a dominant way that only their truth remains. The "exploitation" today is more subtle than material gain. The dominant person usually uses it to try to secure their truth, their self-esteem, and their position of power. Although most people who use similar communication technics are not evil or sociopathic, the strategy has become a part of normal bullying in many intimate relationships. Because we are now increasingly sensitized to more and more forms of devaluation, the word gaslighting has found its way into our everyday language. As the word has become increasingly common-usage in the wake of the anti-discrimination movement, it is also used when there is no malicious intent involved. However, research and personal-experience confirm that the effect of gaslighting is destructive to both individuals involved.  Trust, the emotional connection and the collaborative bond between partners can even be destroyed by it. 

Especially the victims of gaslighting and covert emotional abuse are finally finding a language to express the damaging experience, to regain their speech and their sense of dignity.  They are raising their voices and searching for ways to eliminate it from their love relationships – be they friendly, familial or romantic. 

The opposite of abuse is loving care which has the effect that the cared-for party actually flourishes. 

But when insecurity strikes and evil thoughts take hold, nurturing and healing love is easily derailed. In fact, claiming - in your own mind or to others - that you know how your victim feels and thinks, what they expect, need, do, want or intend is a form of "gaslighting", bullying or emotional abuse. If you use your thoughts and assumptions as the basis for your actions without double checking the accuracy of your ideas for the person in question, you, too, may be causing completely unintended harm for which you are none-the-less responsible. In the mildest form, you cause a conflict with the person. If that person then confronts you with the effects of you projecting your ideas onto them, call yourself lucky! Now you have the opportunity to renew the connection to that person and evolve into a happier more satisfied individual yourself. 

If you recognize your inner or outer wrongdoing, you can enjoy healthy shame! The best-case scenario is that the consequent remorse, which arises from your shame, sends you on the search for alternative ways of thinking and communicating. The more adept you get at noticing what un-met personal needs triggered your  tension, your intensity or simply the unconscious habit and therefore your abusive impulses, the easier it is to regulate them. There remains only the laborious but promising habit change. Ideally the love between you and your victim makes them supportive of your efforts and a healthier, more satisfying communication style evolves in the process. Thus, love heals, nourishes and grows for all involved!

But what do you do as a victim of gaslighting or this form of subtle emotional abuse, if your counterpart is so stuck in their ideas, that your truth counts as nothing to him? Keep in mind: logic does not help at all! A simple hint is enough: "oh dear, the connection is gone between us!" Then you have two options: Distance - physical, emotional, mental - until your love has become tangible again to both of you or you can switch by catapulting them into a state of mind where the connectedness and interest in you as a person has returned.  This can be a totally illogical and unexpected memory jog, like the remark "Oh, sharing the sunset with you on Saturday was delicious" or "remember how hard we both laughed yesterday in the kitchen". It is important that the shared experience is very specific, sensual and consensual. If your counterpart can switch, you can ask them if they want to know how you actually feel and what you think. Beware, as soon as you assert that what the other person claims is not true, you can easily get into a power struggle!  The point here is to change your own communication habits. Keep in mind you are responsible for your well-being. If you got hurt, distance and care for yourself until you have recovered. It takes two to tango! Your habits of reacting, responding and resonating with your loved-one are your responsibility.  The alternatives to fight, flight, fidget or freeze are in the realm of back-off, recover, relax, get curious and playful. 

By the way, even in nature: shit is fertilizer . . .